Camping, Crazy Style

It’s been four years since Jordan and I took the kids camping. That statement should probably read “It’s been four years since Jordan and I took the KID camping.” Because four years ago we only had Sydney.

I’m talking tent style camping, sleep on the ground camping. We went cabin camping back in 2011.

The night before we went and bought Audrey a sleeping bag, and Sydney a big girl camping chair. Along with all the food we would need. Jordan and I debated the need to bring hot dogs if we were making tin foil dinners to eat. I insisted they were needed.

We got all packed up and ready to go. We get there and our camping site is basically a swamp, so we got a different one, higher up. As soon as we get there the girls say they have to use the bathroom. So Jordan takes them on his way back to the car to get the rest of the stuff we need. It took him 3 trips. Zachary and I got everything set up, Audrey had refused to use the toilet giant stinky hole in the ground.

We started a fire, everyone was getting hungry. But it was the weirdest fire ever. It burned through the logs of wood really quick, but the fire wasn’t very hot. We burned through 5 logs of wood and most of the small pieces of fire starter wood in an hour. Luckily Jordan had the foresight to buy us precooked and seasoned chicken to go in our tin foil meals, so the chicken was warm but none of the veggies were cooked, at all. And it’s a good thing I insisted upon those hot dogs because we ate them! But they were brown on the outside (and a few were burnt) and still cold on the inside.

And then Jordan decided (with two logs left) that we had better make those S’mores NOW before we ran out of fire. Only to realize that he had taken the graham crackers out of the bag and left them on the counter. Half S’mores aren’t very good, in case you were wondering.

Zachary started to get tired at this point, and the girls wanted to go exploring. So Jordan took them, while I tried in vain to get Zachary to sleep. He HATED the tent. As soon as he was in it he started screaming. He hated the sleeping bags. He huddled himself in the corner with his blanket and took turns screaming and sucking his thumb. I was sure we were in for a LONG night.

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When Jordan and the girls came back, Sydney was crying because a bush attacked her. Audrey was crying because she had to pee. Zachary was just crying, still. So I took Audrey to the toilet giant stinky hole in the ground. I told her I would use it first, hoping that it would convince her to use it. It didn’t. I asked her if she wanted to pee in the toilet or in the woods. She told me, “I want to pee in my jeans, okay?” Um, not okay. So I held her on the giant stinky hole in the ground and held my breath and prayed that she would finish peeing before I passed out. Thankfully, my prayers were heard. And she felt much better. But insisted upon not using the potty here again.

It was now dark, and we had no more wood, and it was getting cold. It was time for everyone to go to sleep. Audrey passed out quick. Sydney talked to Jordan for a while. Zachary insisted upon snuggling in between Jordan and I, and was only happy when he was snug between us both.

But Z woke up every 1-2 hours, screamed, walked around, fell over, and then fell back asleep. At 3 am I woke up and every inch of my body hurt. I am far too old to be sleeping on the ground. And Jordan is far too stubborn to ever let me buy an air mattress. Apparently it’s not camping if you have an air mattress. Luckily he was stiff too, so he said when we go camping again (in 4 years) we can buy one.

At 4 am Zachary and Audrey both woke up and were crying. By 5 a.m. Jordan decided it was time to bag it, and go home. We lasted the night, that was good enough, right? So I packed the inside of the tent while Audrey and Zachary screamed at me. And Sydney slept peacefully. We packed up, and left.

Before the camping trip I told Jordan about my very first camping experience when I was only 3 or 4 years old. We drove to the Redwoods in California. Every ten minutes I asked if we were camping yet, and was always told no. Then finally we got there, and it was time to sleep in the VW bus we drove there. “So you just drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and drive, and then you sleep?!” Yes. “Wow, camping sucks!”

As we were pulling away from Paradise Point I turned to Jordan and said, “Wow, camping sucks!” Then we laughed at our adventure.

And on the way home we stopped by Krispy Kreme, and bough some (ha!) donuts. We planned on having diabetes for the weekend. No worries, we’re better now.